In the future we'll all be gay
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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