are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
