I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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