last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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