chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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