How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
