How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
