saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
