Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
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