dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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