A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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