I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
