Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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