I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Found the puke drawer
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
