just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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