This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
