Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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