No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
