it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
