By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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