Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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