Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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