Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
