Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Pants are for mortals
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
