It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
