onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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