Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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