"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
