Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
