im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
