I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
