I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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