K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I need to calm my uterus...
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Randomize
