Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I wish there were birth control emojis
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
