I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
