pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
