Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Ok let me ask a question, does aderall make women less apt to have sex?
Cause it just destroys penises
Was that inappropriate? I can't gauge these things anymore
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
