My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
