Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
