i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
