More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
