I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize