I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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