If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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