my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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