so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
