great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
