Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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