My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
