Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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