Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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