Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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