I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
