Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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