my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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