why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
