I accidentally had phone sex last night
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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