my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
