Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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