all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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