I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
