I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
