Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
