Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
